The World’s Largest Collection of Weed jokes
We’ve put together the biggest collection of weed jokes and jokes about marijuana available anywhere. Of course, not all of these weed jokes are funny, but it all depends on your sense of humor. On this page you will find marijuana monologues, weed jokes and humor, one-liners about pot, stoner jokes and more. And unlike the other far less substantial and complete collections of weed jokes online, ours feature proper grammar and spelling and actually make sense.
Weed Jokes & Marijuana Humor
Two pot dealers are granted probation under the condition that they save as many people from smoking pot as possible within one week by utilizing only a pen and a piece of paper. After one week they are standing in front of the judge again and are asked for their results. The first stands up and says that he has saved 100 people from their habit by drawing a big circle and a small circle on the paper. “How could that affect someone that much that he quits smoking pot?” the judge asks. “Well, I told them the big circle is the size of their brain without drugs and the small one the size of the brain when they get high.” “OK,” the judge replies, “penalty remitted.” He turns to the second and asks him for his outcome. “Well, I did pretty much the same, but I have made 200 people quit drugs by drawing a small circle first and then a big circle.” “And how come that saved more people from their habit?” “I told them the small circle is their asshole BEFORE they are sent to prison!”
What do Wheel of Fortune and dope dealers have in common?
They both charge $250 for an “O”
How do you know when you’re living with a true stoner? When their bong gets washed more than the dishes.
Police Officer to the pothead: “How high are you, son?” Pothead laughs: “No officer, it’s “Hi, How are you?”
What do you call a pothead with two spliffs? Double jointed.
What do you call a stoner’s wife?
What did the stoner’s girlfriend say?
If I can’t marry a dude, I’ll Mary Jane.
What do you get when you eat marijuana?
A pot belly.
Why did the pot head plant cheerios?
He thought they were donut seeds.
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A stoner called the fire department and said, “Come quick my house is on fire!” The Fireman who responded asked “How do we get there?” The stoner says “DUH, in a big red truck!”
Why did the stoner cross the street?
His dealer lived on the other side.
What type of pizza does a pothead eat?
What did the stoner at the party say just before the cops showed up?
Let’s blow this joint!
Did you hear about the stoners who were planning to rob the medical marijuana dispensary?
First they had to case the joint.
I never realized so many Muslims smoked weed; I always hear about them getting stoned . . .
A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home. On the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the stoner and screams; “Call me an ambulance!” The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, “You’re an ambulance!”
How do you know when you are stoned?
When you are too phoned to stone home.
How many potheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
Screw it, we’ve got lighters.
What do you call a stoner that just broke up with his girlfriend?
Why can’t you inject marijuana?
Because you’ll get a budclot!
What did the paper say to the weed?
What kind of car does a stoner drive?
What do a cooked bird and a cowardly stoner have in common?
They’re both baked chickens.
An old man walks up to a couple of potheads smoking a joint, and says,
“Don’t you know that smoking weed makes you ignorant and apathetic?”
One of the potheads turns to him and replies, “I don’t know, and I don’t care.”
(From: http://www.hightimes.com/read/12-ganja-jokes-friday |Danny Danko, High Times)
Yo’ Mama is like marijuana — everyone does her, but no one admits it.
I got pulled over by a police officer and his dog sniffed the car for drugs. The cop comes over and says to me, “My dog says you have weed in the car.” I responded, “Well I don’t know about that, but I want whatever’s got you talking to the dog!”
A very stoned woman went to the doctor and touched her knee and said “It hurts when I touch myself here.” Then she touched her elbow and said “and it hurts when I touch myself here.” Then she touched her arm and said “and it hurts when I touch myself here,” and she touched her head and said, “and it hurts when I touch myself here…”
The doctor, smelling the strong aroma of marijuana, smiled and replied;
“You have a broken finger.”
A stoner wants to learn about ice fishing. So he gathers all the necessary equipment and goes to the nearest frozen ice. About 20 feet out he cuts a hole in the ice. “There’s no fish there!” booms a voice. “The stoner shrugs and moves out another 50 feet and starts to cut another hole. “There’s no fish there, either!” booms the voice. The stoner shouts, “Is that you God?” “No,” says the voice, “I own the fucking ice rink!”
There’s a stoner and a super genius sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the stoner and says, “Hey, I’ll tell you what; I’ll ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer you have to give me five bucks. But if you ask me a question and I don’t know the answer I have to give you fifty bucks.” The stoner replied, “Alright, man.” The genius asked the stoner, “What is the Pythagorean Theory?” The stoner answered, “I don’t know,” and handed the genius five bucks. “Okay,” the stoner said, “What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?” The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. He hands the stoner fifty bucks and then asks, “So, what is the answer?” The stoner says, “I don’t know,” and hands the genius five bucks.
If there are two potheads in the back of a car, then who is driving?
How did the pothead burn his ear?
He answered the phone while ironing his clothes.
A Homeland Security Officer stopped at our farm yesterday stating;
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally growing marijuana.”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there…”,
The Homeland Security Officer verbally exploded saying,
“Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!”
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this fucking badge?” He screamed, “This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish; on any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand me?”
I nodded politely, and even apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the Homeland Security Officer running for his life, being chased by my big ol’ mean bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety.
The officer was clearly terrified.
I quickly threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs;
“Your badge – show him your fucking BADGE!”
A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, “How much for that TV set in the window?” The owner looks at the set, then looks at the stoner, and says, “I don’t sell stuff to potheads.” So the stoner tells the owner that he’ll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, “I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?” And the store owner says, “I told you I don’t sell to potheads!” So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, “How much for that TV?” The owner says, “I’m not going to tell you again, I don’t sell to potheads!” The giggling stoner looks back at the owner and says, “How can you tell I’m a pothead?” The owner looks back and says, “Because that’s a microwave!”
In the middle of the night two just-turned 18 potheads have the not so brilliant idea to go for a joy ride. When they come to a traffic circle they take some turns and enjoy the lack of traffic. Then they want to increase the fun and decide to try it in reverse. But as soon as they back up a car slams into their trunk! The young potheads start to panic and cry, making their eyes even more red than the pot already did. When the police arrive both are in a state of total despair, but then one of the officers comes over to them and calms them down. “It’s ok folks; stop crying; that guy is drunk beyond belief and claims you have been driving in reverse!”
What is the technical name for a group of Mexican stoners? Baked Beans.
How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree? Wave. Or toss them a joint.
What do you call a person who remembers what they did at Woodstock ? A Liar.
What do you call it when a joint ash burns a hole in your shirt? Pot hole.
“Hello, is this the FBI?” “Yes, how can we help you sir?” “I’m calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.” “Thank you very much for the call, Sir.” The next day, FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but they did not find any marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left in a fit. Later, the phone rings at Billy Bob’s house. “Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?” said Billy Bob’s best friend “Yeah!” replied Billy Bob. “Did they chop your firewood?” his best friend asked “As a matter of fact, they did..!” Billy Bob replied. “Happy Birthday, Buddy!”
A tourist walks into a small Mexican village during siesta time and asks a pot-smoking guy sitting next to his donkey; “Hola compañero, can you tell me what time it is?” “Sure,” the guy replies, grabs his donkey’s balls and says “It is 4:20.” The tourist is baffled and inquires “Um, are you sure?” The Mexican lifts the donkey’s balls again and replies “Si amigo, 4:20 – without a doubt.” The tourist gets the feeling he is being fooled by the Mexican guy and gets surly “How the hell could you say what time it is by lifting your donkey’s balls?!” The Mexican lifts the donkey’s balls again, points a finger beyond them and calmly replies “Gringo, can’t you see the church tower clock over there?”
How do you know when you’re a pothead?
When you’ve studied for a urine test for 5 days
Why is the roach clip called a roach clip? Because “pot holder” was already taken
Did you hear the news story about the teenager who overdosed on marijuana and died? Neither did I.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours, followed by a global food shortage.
What is a stoners idea of a nutritionally balanced diet? A fat blunt in each hand.
There were three guys on their way to hell; a sex addict, a weed addict and an alcoholic. The devil made a deal with them saying; “I will lock you in a room with your sins for 1,000 years, and if you get over any of your sins and repent, I will send you back to the land of the living. So the sex addict got locked in a room full of virgins, the alcoholic got locked in a room full of beer, and the weed addict was locked in a room full of weed. 1,000 years later the Devil returns to the sex addict, who comes out of his torture chamber screaming “AAARRGGGH! My dick hurts, man; I learned my lesson and I’m never having sex again!” Poof! Back to earth the sex addict went. The devil then opened the alcoholic’s room who cried in desperation; “I’m never having another beer again!” and Poof! He is returned to earth. Finally the Devil opens the marijuana addict’s room, who immediately punches the Devil in the face while sobbing; “There’s no lighter in here, there’s no lighter in here!”
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A pothead finds a strange-looking old oil lamp in the trash and rubs it to clean it up a bit when suddenly a genie popped out of it. “Congratulations, you freed me from my captivity! I will grant you three wishes for releasing me!” The pothead does not think twice and says “OK, for my first wish – I want a never ending blunt made from the finest Acapulco Gold weed!” And *poof* he has a fat 6 inch blunt in his hand. He takes a few tokes and is delighted by the extremely nice flavor and high, sits back and relaxes. The genie reminds him “Hey, you have two more wishes, remember?” “Oh, yeah…let me see…I’ll have two more of these!”
What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes weed? Han SoHigh
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
What’s the difference between a drunk and a pothead at a stop sign? The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green.
What do you call a lonely, horny pothead? A weed wacker
Stand-up & Comedian Weed Jokes, one-liners and monologues
“There’s a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.” –Jimmy Fallon
“In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is ‘Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave.'” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn’t it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner.” –Jay Leno
“According to a new book coming out by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, apparently when he was in high school, President Obama smoked large amounts of marijuana. You know what that means? He could be our first green president.” –Jay Leno
“The White House admitted that Vice President Biden’s endorsement of gay marriage forced him to come out in favor of it. So in a related story millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot.” –Conan O’Brien
“Some Democrats in Congress are now trying to change the marijuana laws, making it legal so it can be taxed and increase revenue. Is that what the government’s come down to now? We’re selling drugs to pay off our debts? When did Uncle Sam become Scarface?” –Jay Leno
“Yesterday, Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper signed an amendment that officially legalized marijuana in the state. Stoners took a moment to thank Governor Hickenlooper — then they spent a few hours just saying the word ‘Hickenlooper.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists’ team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played for.” –Jay Leno
“A phone survey found 70 percent of Americans support legalizing marijuana. I can’t believe that many marijuana supporters managed to answer the phone.” –Craig Ferguson
“Today is 4/20. This is like national pot day. And people celebrate all over the world. Although, I must say, the Senate did not celebrate this by smoking joints, for two reasons. One, it would be against protocol. And two, it would mean passing something.” –Bill Maher
“Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana — conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it’s time to ‘you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.’” –Craig Ferguson
“Today, Snoop Dog endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul’s positions on everything from legalizing pot … to legalizing pot.” –Conan O’Brien
“Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I’m sober, and I’ve got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me.” –Craig Ferguson
“Obama was heckled by someone who said, ‘Don’t forget about medical marijuana.’ The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A.” –Conan O’Brien
“I know you’re supposed to tell kids not to do drugs, but, kids, do it! Do weed! Don’t do the other stuff, but weed is good.” -Kevin Smith
“Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn’t win, that’s going to be one heck of an election night party.” –Jay Leno
“The White House announced that it has rejected several petitions to legalize marijuana. They say it has nothing to do with politics. It’s just that they can’t accept a petition that was written on a crumpled up Funyuns bag.” –Jimmy Fallon
“San Francisco hosted the first medical marijuana job fair. The keynote speech was titled, ‘Jobs and How to Avoid Getting One.'” –Jay Leno
“According to the latest reports, medical marijuana sales in this country are now approaching $2 billion a year. I had no idea that so many people had glaucoma. Apparently this is an epidemic.” –Jay Leno
“President Obama answered questions on YouTube today. He was asked 7,500 times about legalizing marijuana. And that was just from Chad in Portland.” –Conan O’Brien
“California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up.” –Conan O’Brien
“A hydroponic marijuana store is being opened in California and is being called ‘The Wal-Mart of Weed.’ It’s like a regular Wal-Mart except the greeter says, “Dude, have you seen Greg?” –Conan O’Brien
“A new report says there has been a sharp increase in the use of marijuana over the last year. Maybe that explains the sharp increase in unemployment over the last year.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms. Because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma.” –Conan O’Brien
“Los Angeles residents are going to vote on a tax on anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes the city could be solvent within 45 minutes.” –Conan O’Brien
“California Marijuana farmers are worried that radiation from Japan could affect their crops. Or maybe for some strange reason they’re just being paranoid.” –Conan O’Brien
“Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden’s compound, which explains why bin Laden’s last words were, ‘Dude… ‘” –Conan O’Brien
“Arizona just became the 15th state to approve medical marijuana. So I give it three days before they stop caring about the whole immigration thing.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Prop 19, the California proposition to legalize marijuana lost. The proponents are all so sad today. If only there were some substance that could make them laugh again.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Thousands of marijuana enthusiasts went to the polls this morning in California to support Prop 19. Unfortunately, the election was the day before.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“California will vote on legalizing marijuana on Tuesday. So thousands of stoners will be at the polls saying, “Dude, just pass it … and now let’s go in and vote on Prop 19.” –Jimmy Fallon
“In three weeks Californians will vote on whether to legalize marijuana. Which means that three weeks and one day from now thousands of stoners will say, “Oh crap, that was yesterday?” –Jimmy Fallon
“The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during ‘Spongebob Squarepants.'” –Craig Ferguson
“Well, folks, Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she’s hoping that the effects will eventually wear off.” –Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin has revealed she has tried marijuana, but she did not like it. You know, it’s amazing: 200 million Americans have smoked marijuana. The only ones who don’t like it seem to be elected officials. Ever notice that?” –Jay Leno
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“It seems The Journal of Neurology reports that the longer you smoke, the less likely you are to develop Parkinson’s disease. So what are they telling us? Follow me guys. Remember, a couple of months ago, doctors said drinking a glass of alcohol every day was good for your heart. Smoking prevents Parkinson’s disease. Marijuana is good for glaucoma. Sex is good for your prostate. You know, screw health care. Let’s party!” –Jay Leno
“Big political news out of New Jersey lately. The New Jersey Senate just approved a bill to legalize medical marijuana, a week after New Jersey voted not to allow gay marriage, which means the New Jersey Senate was like, ‘Gay people getting married? What are you, like, high? No? Well, let’s get high then.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Earlier this week — this is crazy — the country’s first marijuana cafe opened up, which not only sells medical marijuana, but also has a restaurant where customers can eat. In a related story, the recession is over.” –Conan O’Brien
“The AMA is urging the Federal Government not to classify marijuana as a dangerous drug and do more research. That’s what they said. It’s a big story, yeah. Yeah, that request came not only from the AMA but also from KFC.” –Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That’s right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman.” –Conan O’Brien
“And under the new guidelines issued by the Obama Administration, Federal agents will not pursue pot-smoking patients in states that allow medical marijuana. This new policy is called ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t — What Was I Talking About?'” –Jay Leno
“Here in California, we have no money. Our budget situation is a mess. And when you have no money, what do you do? You sell drugs, right? A state representative from San Francisco just introduced a bill that would legalize marijuana. He claims it would raise almost $1.5 billion a year for the state in taxes, and another $3 billion in Cheeto sales.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“This is interesting. Researchers have found that people who drive drunk are more dangerous on the road than drivers who are high on marijuana. Don’t get too excited. It’s mostly because the drivers using marijuana are just sitting in the Taco Bell drive-through.” –Jimmy Fallon
“The Illinois Senate passed a bill on Wednesday to legalize medical marijuana. The bill was passed after the state senator said, ‘Come on, dude, pass it. Come on.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Actually, the University of California says they may start a marijuana research center. Really? I thought the University of California was a marijuana research center.” –Jay Leno
“And there are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state’s giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for.” –Jay Leno
More Weed Jokes and Marijuana Humor
A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the clerk at the counter, “Got any weed?” The clerk politely replied, “Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here.” So the stoner left. But the stoner comes back the next day and agains asks the clerk; “Got any weed?” The man behind the counter, slightly annoyed, patiently replied, “No sir. We don’t sell marijuana.” So the stoner went home. But the next day he goes once again to the gas station. And again, he says to the man working there, “Got any weed?” By this time the clerk was angry. He yelled, “You freakin’ refer-lovin’, pot-head burn-out! I told you; we don’t sell that crap here! If you ever come back in here asking for that filthy crap again, I’ll nail your freaking feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops.” So the stoner left. The next day the pothead went back to the gas station yet again, this time with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and askedl; “Got any nails?” The clerk hesitated, then replied, “No sir, we don’t sell nails here.” The stoner grinned. “Got any weed?”
What is the difference between politicians and stoners? Politicians don’t inhale…they just suck.
I was about to smoke weed with a Mexican girl. But when I asked her if she had any papers, she immediately ran off!
Friend: “You could go to jail for weed!” Stoner: “I know, but it’s so expensive there!”
A Jamaican man saunters into a bank with a 25kg bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier. Shocked, the cashier asks..”What’s this for!?” The man, a Rastafarian, replies;’Me ‘ere to open a joint account, mon!’
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